Need an objective view as to how you’re holding up in the workplace? Take this quiz to find out if you’re on your way to the top or if it’s time to retire.
1. During a meeting where the logic of your idiotic process is being questioned, you:
a) tell the group that you agree the process stinks, but you are just doing what you were told. You then take this opportunity to hijack the meeting and spend 20 minutes complaining about how no one listens to you.
b) confuse everyone with a long-winded, somewhat incoherent explanation of how the process came about. You get so wrapped up in the history of the process that you forget what the group actually wants, which is that you agree to change the process.
c) pretend that the CEO is calling you on your cell phone and leave the room immediately.
2. Your boss needs you to work on an urgent assignment. You:
a) tell him that you’re too busy and will not be able to take on any new work until Q1 2017.
b) agree to do it but forget to ask him what he wants and when it’s due by.
c) zealously agree to help him out, because, after all, you’re always there for him when he’s in a jam. You then secretly pawn the work off on your lower-ranking colleagues who are too timid to say no. In the end, you make sure to take all of the credit.
3. When meeting with a manager at least 2 levels above you, you:
a) take the opportunity to loudly voice that you are overworked and stressed out. It’s hard working 40 hours a week.
b) fail to understand what exactly the manager is asking you. Rather than request clarification, you just ramble on about a topic of your choosing. This makes sense, since relevancy really is subjective.
c) make witty jokes and compliment him/her every five minutes.
4. Your co-workers need your subject matter expertise. You:
a) tell them they’ll have to hire a consultant to answer their 3 questions, because you’re busy reviewing training materials.
b) happily agree to help. After an hour on the phone with them you’ve managed to take them down at least 3 rabbit holes without ever arriving at an answer to the first question. It was a “yes” or “no” question.
c) refer them to someone who works for you. Since you are a manager, you don’t really have to have any knowledge. That’s why you have a team.
5. Your boss makes you in charge of a project already being worked on by 5 people, you:
a) put together a project plan but don’t have time to figure out if anyone’s actually adhering to it.
b) do the same work the others had already completed, since you forgot to ask them what pieces of the project had been checked off before you joined the team.
c) make one of the 5 people your “team lead”, have him/her put together a project plan and report back to you regularly. While you wait for status updates, you drink coffee and make vacation plans.
Scoring:
1. If the majority of your answers were a) then it’s time to throw in the towel. You’ve been working too hard for too long and need to be put out to pasture. Find a job at an ice cream shop during the winter months and at a ski resort in the summer.
2. If the majority of your answers were b) then you’re faking. Anyone who truly would answer b) is too confused to take this quiz. Find the b) people at your job and give them a hug. It’s hard to live in such a haze.
3. If the majority of your answers were c), then congratulations. You are a successful corporate douchebag who knows how to make yourself look good while forcing everyone around you to do your work. Watch your back, though, since all of the little people you stepped on will be looking for opportunities to run you over in the parking garage. Don’t be surprised if when you go to an ice cream shop in the winter, your scoop of chocolate chip tastes strangely like pee.
Crappy Christmas Letter 