I’m a bad parent. There, I said it. No matter how much I want to be a good parent, I usually end up either yelling at my kids, drinking alcohol or staring at my iPhone. Sometimes, I even manage to do all three at the same time. If you are not sure how you are doing as a parent and would like some honest feedback, then take this quiz. (Note that if you end up with the result of “douchebag parent”, I probably know you and will see you at next month’s PTA meeting. Don’t worry, the results of this quiz are anonymous.)
1. Your daughter makes the school honor roll, you
A) Are proud of her. Her hard work is paying off.
B) Run out and stick the “My child is an honor roll student” bumper sticker on your minivan. Now all the PTA moms at drop off and pick up will be secretly jealous.
C) Are irritated that she still got a few B’s. Your competitive streak might be getting a little out of hand. You wonder if there is medication to help wackos like you. In the meantime, you find those third graders that got straight A’s and challenge them to a duel.
2. It’s time for your child to choose an instrument for the school music class, and he chooses the trumpet, you
A) Tell him that’s a great idea. What a fun instrument!
B) Enroll him in private lessons 5 days a week, so you can brag to your friends and everyone in the supermarket about how well he plays.
C) Try to convince him to play the flute instead. Trumpets are too loud and you’ve got your nerves to worry about. When he complains, you offer to let him switch out the flute for the triangle. Hey, the triangle is a respectable instrument!
3. Both you and your kid take karate lessons. You:
A) Love that you have found an activity you can bond over.
B) Make her wear her karate gi and belt to school so everyone will be impressed by her clear martial arts superiority. You decide to wear your gi and belt to the next PTA meeting for the same reason.
C) Accidentally split her lip while teaching her some sparring moves. After the bleeding stops, you try to console her by showing her all the bruises you got from your lessons last week. Two years later she still hasn’t let you live that down.
4. Your 7 year old has started putting on makeup every day, you:
A) Let her wear it around the house but explain that she’s too young to wear it in public.
B) Take head shots and send them to the nearest modeling agency. You can’t wait until everyone sees her in the next Walmart ad.
C) Get her to teach you how she does that neat thing with the eye shadow.
5. Your kids’ rooms are a mess, you:
A) Patiently explain that this is unacceptable and supervise them as they clean up. You help put away those toys that go on the top shelves.
B) Put everything away yourself. The Mom’s Club is coming over, and you want them to think your kids are neater than their kids.
C) Yell and scream. When this doesn’t work, you yell and scream louder and threaten to throw everything out that is cluttering your house. When your kids finally start cleaning up, you find at least ten items that have been missing for months, including the remote control. At least you can finally watch tv again.
6. Your children take swimming lessons in the summer. You,
A) Watch their progress at every lesson and cheer them on.
B) Take a video of another kid doing the butterfly and pretend it’s yours. No one can tell who that is in the water anyway, so your deception will never be revealed.
C) Watch the first five minutes and then drift off for the rest of the hour. You gotta sleep where you can; yelling at your kids all morning was exhausting.
7. Your child is hungry for breakfast. She asks for pancakes, you:
A) Show her how to make them herself and watch patiently as she spills flour all over your freshly cleaned kitchen floor. No worries; that’s why they invented vacuum cleaners.
B) Ignore the request and instead spend 2 hours making a “European” gourmet breakfast that your kid and the rest of the family hate. You then post the pictures on social media. Damn, you’re good.
C) Throw some frozen pancakes in the microwave but forget to turn it on, because you got distracted by the text message you just received. You admit you’re not good at multitasking.
8. Every night you,
A) Read at least 20 minutes with your child. It’s been proven that reading with children leads to success.
B) Falsify his school reading log so it looks like he reads 4 hours a day. His teacher will be so impressed!
C) Drink wine while you and your kid watch Wheel of Fortune. C’mon, people, that show involves reading! Good thing you found the remote.
9. You find out someone is bullying your kid before school, you:
A) Talk to the school principal and the bully’s parents to try to resolve the issue.
B) Cry to anyone who will listen about how your baby is being treated unfairly.
C) Tell your kid to jump out of the bushes and ambush the bully. Those karate lessons are expensive, so you mind as well get your money’s worth.
10. Your 11 year old wants you to teach the class’s volunteer art lessons for the third year in a row. However, her class is full of psychos who have managed to traumatize all the teachers they’ve had since kindergarten. You,
A. Agree to do it. In a few years, she won’t want you anywhere near her friends.
B. Bribe the class with homemade cupcakes. Make sure the yearbook committee shows up for the photo op.
C. Do it, but jump out of the bushes the next day and scare the crap out of everyone who didn’t listen. The principal forbids you from ever teaching art lessons again.
Mostly A’s – You are a great parent and undoubtedly played classical music for your kids when they were babies. Why are you taking this stupid quiz? Go do something productive as usual.
Mostly B’s – Congratulations, you are a complete douchebag. Like you, your kid is a sniveling brat with no friends. Maybe if the school bully slaps you a few times, you’ll wake up to reality.
Mostly C’s – Like me, you stink as a parent. You love your kids, but you’re too exhausted to have much patience. On the bright side, at least you recognize your shortcomings. That should count for something, right? Consider checking yourself into therapy and, in the meantime, don’t teach art.